Recently I moved from solo-vanlifer to couple-vanlifer.
While traveling alone, lots of people I either know or met on my journey told me how brave I was for traveling alone with a van and how traveling as a couple would be easier.
With a bit of surprise, I often got this feedback from couples traveling in a van too.
Digging a bit more in this comment, I discovered that the main concern is not about practical issues like taking care of mechanical problems or fear of someone breaking in but rather about having emotional support. Emotional support mostly on those days when the absence of friends and family around or the lack of commodities (a comfy sofa, a Netflix night without worrying about battery level) comes to knock at the door. In my experience, this is a common feeling among full-time travelers.
Lots of travelers I talked with find it very supportive to have someone hug them during those melancholic days and remind them this is the life they wanted, with its ups and downs.
Personally, I learned how to overcome those melancholic moments.
I believe the capacity of providing support for myself instead of relying on someone else emotional support is a fundamental step in order to achieve freedom and have healthy relationships.
What if I feel down and need support but the other person is busy? Or maybe the other person is feeling down too?
Of course, I still find it very helpful to have, on top of my own support, someone else supports but it has to come more as a gift than as a dependency.
I quickly realize that the issue other travelers see in a solo-traveling is not (anymore) an issue for me, but the idea of sharing a tiny space with another person was challenging instead of comforting.
To me, privacy and personal space are very important.
Romantically speaking I never enjoyed being constantly in contact, walking hand in hand(sometimes is ok), or hugging often. When I share the bed with someone I need my space; I do like to have some light contact like hands or feet touching but definitely not to sleep hugging or with the head of someone on my shoulder and similar positions.
Mentally speaking, I also often need my space. I get angry, annoyed, or lonely and I need some time for myself to reflect and process these feelings.
How could I have all of this space while living all day, all the time in a small space with someone else?
What it means to share a tiny space
Most of the information I have found about living in a van with a partner refers to sharing intimate moments like getting undressed in front of each other or sharing a toilette routine.
I think there is much more to take into consideration before going to live in a van with someone.
A little note about sharing a toilette routine:
A toilette routine doesn't mean simply your partner having a clear idea of all your bowel movements but much more!
If you have a bathroom in your van, be aware your partner will hear you (and possibly smell it) while doing it, and no, you can't always ask him/her to wait outside. What if is raining or is very cold.
If you don't have a bathroom there are so many different ways how you will potentially share this natural moment with your partner.
It might be just about seeing you going out with a shovel and tissues, or maybe your partner will keep an eye that nobody comes close while you doing it but can also be feeling free to fart whenever you need to or even your partner seeing you peeing in a bottle at night (I don't have experience with it but many vanlifer uses this method).
I think is important for people considering go living in a van together to have a clear idea of what sharing a toilette routine means. So here it is.
Anyway in my experience sharing a tiny space with someone includes those fundamental moments:
- Being constantly in the way of the other person - The space to walk is small; if one wants to go on the other side of the van is very likely that will physically touch the other.
- Asking consense to do even basic stuff like make a coffee or lay on the bed - In my van, the couch and the bed are the same piece of furniture that needs to be transformed, therefore if one is sitting on the couch and the other wants to lay in the bed, this means to ask the consense of the other in making the bed and in both willing to lying instead of sitting.
Based on the internal design of the van there will be more or less of these moments but there will be always some operations that need both people's consense. - Waking up and going to sleep most likely at the same time. - I often wake up before my partner while he still sleeps. In the evening is often the opposite, I fall asleep first while he is still active for an hour or so. So, this is not impossible but needs some coordination between the two and it cannot last long. At one point the two need to be on the same page to freely move in the van.
This means also don't get angry/upset if one of the two unintentionally wakes up the other, maybe while cooking or just standing up earlier. - Sharing most of your phone conversation/audio messages and earing the ones of your partner (lucky you if you don't understand the language of your partner!)
- Agree all the time on watching the same show or deal with watching something whit headphones or while listening to your partner's audio in the background.
A crucial lesson I learned is that living in a van doesn't just mean sharing physical space, it means also sharing emotional space and having fewer chances to sweep problems under the carpet.
I judge this to be such an important topic to consider or at least be aware of before moving with someone in a small space.
This is what it means for me to share an emotional small space:
- Be able to still share physical space while taking "alone time". - If you need some alone time and you are near a beautiful beach with 25deg is easy to take some alone time while going for a walk.
But what if the outside is -10deg? Or is raining? Or even simply you are not in the mood to go out?
Is important to feel safe (safe here means to feel comfortable and not obligate) to stay some time in silence or to put your headphone on without being verbally in contact with the other person.
For some people is very difficult while feeling angry or upset or even just sad toward someone, to share a physical space with him/her. Their anger or sadness will increase and any small movement could be a reason to explode.
Being able to still share physical space while not verbally communicating with your partners means being able to not explode or make a drama out of small, unrelated actions. (i.e. accidentally crush a foot) - Being ALWAYS available for your partner even when there is some tension or one of the two needs alone time. - Whenever I have a discussion with my partner and we need some time alone before being able to communicate again, we are still able to have basic communication (i.e. Do you wanna eat now? Can we make the bed? We need to refill the water). No total silent treatment is served, ever.
- Being able to solve the conflict in a reasonable short time. - Being angry in a tiny space is no fun. And, as already said, we constantly ask consense for basic needs for us is no fun and mentally draining to do it while being angry at each other.
- Being able to share my mental process and know the other will be there for me and he will not jump to conclusions or freak out.
When I feel afraid or angry (afraid in this case means concerned, worried or just not comfortable) about something my partner said or did, I want to be able to freely share what's going on in my body and mind (you know, when you keep talking to your self in your mind) with my partner knowing he will not freak out and stop talking with me or being passive-aggressive or acting childish.
ps. Expressing myself doesn't mean shouting or insulting my partner. First, we need to learn how to properly feel our body and express ourselves in a non-violent but still releasing way. (If you want to know more check out Radical Honesty or most of the Somatic practics.)
I believe some of these points are relevant for any living situation but even more when sharing a small space.
When we are calm and relaxed, is easy to deal with a conflict. A walk outside, boxing, or jogging are ways to calm down, reflect, and be open again to communicate with the other person.
Living in a small space means being able to solve conflicts or deal with uncomfortable situations even without the luxury of these options or at least while compromising them.
Available vs unavailable person
So far I shared my daily life in a van with two people. One was an unavailable person and the other was available.
Even if the level of love was pretty high in both relationships, the unavailability of a person resulted in a huge challenge in sharing mental and physical space.
The other day I saw an Instagram post from @realdepressionproject which said:
"The right person for you won't think your basic needs are 'too much' to be met."
I think this sentence is beautiful for its capacity to actually explain how to find the right person.
We often heard people saying "Is not the right person for you" but what does that really mean?
In my opinion, the right person is the person to whom we feel attracted and he/she doesn't find our needs being "too much".
Relationships are a deal we make with other people.
There are of course thousands of different relationships and deals you can make with your partner(s) but the basics of any healthy relationship are: "I'm ok with your needs and wants and I'm happy to meet them and support you. If any of your needs are too much for me, I will clearly tell you instead of making you feel guilty/ashamed and we will see together if we can compromise on it."
When a person is emotionally unavailable, can easily make the other person feel like their needs are too much.
When I shared my space with an unavailable person, all my basics needs were too much.
And probably, his basic needs were too much for me too.
His need for alone time meant staying alone for a day or two, a length of time that for me was too much while living in a van.
His need for an alone time didn't include any kind of communication for hours, again a length of time that for me was too much.
This often made me feel lonely, sad, and angry.
And probably my need of communicating was too much for him too. He probably thought I was needy for wanting his attention so early.
I often felt I was too needy or I thought I should be able to be more independent. When instead it was my basic need to have my partner available for me at that specific moment.
His needs for space required complete physical distance for a period of time that was again, way too much for me.
Sometimes we went to sleep angry at each other trying to not physically touch each other otherwise a thunderstorm would have arisen.
Some people can deal with that, some people also are completely ok in sleeping physically separate.
To me is a huge issue. I realize that I don't need contact over the night but the idea of sleeping trying to not touch the other, is incredibly uncomfortable for me.
When I share a small space with an available person, all of these challenges fall naturally into place. Everything became suddenly so easy.
This is not because "we are so lucky" but is because my needs are ok for him and his needs are ok for me too.
When we argue we both needs around the same amount of solo time and we both want to communicate and solve the conflict in the same modality. This is already a big help.
But it also means we are both available.
We are available to share our mental and physical space.
We are available to listen in a non-judgemental way to the other mental process.
We are constantly self-inquiring and sharing what is going on within us.
We are brave in sharing which fears we have regarding the relationships or our future, we are sharing what makes us angry about the other knowing the other will not explode or take it personally but will listen and try to make a better life for both.
And mostly we are in contact with ourselves, we can understand when we are feeling sad, down, angry or happy and we communicate this freely with others without waiting for the moment when we are not able to control our own verbal or physical reaction.
So are we super happy and we never argue?
On the contrary, this means we have lots of continuous little arguments or uncomfortable moments, like little fireworks that explode and die without harming anyone.
Instead of having a nuclear bomb once every 5 years that will destroy everything we built so far.
Conclusion
While living in a tiny space there is no time and literally no space to slowly drift apart from each other.
Living happily in a tiny space needs a constant effort from both to understand ourselves and hold space without pointing fingers at the other person.
If we are not willing to see our own monsters AND to act, fighting them, then it will be rather challenging to live in a small space with someone else.
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