In the last years, I learned the importance of saying "no".
This is not a new concept to me, since when I was a teenager my dad often talked about how important is to learn to say no to avoid feeling overwhelmed.
My dad used to say always yes and end up with lots of work and responsibilities that brought him a lot of anxiety, panic attack and claustrophobia.
He made a whole personal journey which, as a young rebellious teenager, I wasn't much aware of and the message I got was: Do what you want and not what others tell you to do.
Later on in my life, I mostly heard the importance of saying "no" in the context of woman boundaries.
"Saying no", for me, meant always having the right to say no to a man that was trying to have sex with me. In particular in situations where the other person was trying to get it in a subtle, indirect or manipulative way.
I didn't consider myself as someone that has a problem to say "no".
Most of the people I know have told me they see me as an independent and strong person. I always value freedom a lot and I often had problems with authorities. I don't like to be controlled, I don't like people telling me what to do.
"No" came easy to me; I often did what I want, when I want.
Recently I learned a new meaning of "saying no".
Probably the one that my dad was trying to teach me.
"Saying no" means taking care of my boundaries.
It means recognize when a situation, ANY situation, not just a dangerous one, is too much for me and therefore act in a way that will protect my mental health in order to avoid ending up with panic attacks, anxiety, issues to sleep, stomach problems and so on.
What I learned is that my acting independent was a protection shield to put distance between me and the people that I wasn't able to say no.
If I don't care about someone, I have no problem to say no.
But if I care about someone then was really hard to say no.
People pleaser
Once I put down the shield I built up in the years to keep people far enough to not hurt me and I start to open up more to connect with others, I realize I have really hard time saying "no" and I tend to do lots of stuff I don't like or don't make me happy, just to please the other person.
Again, I'm not talking about crazy, horrible stuff but rather small everyday stuff.
Some of the things I have done just to please the others are:
- Wait months for my partner to come traveling with me (which never happened)
- Avoid going to specific social situations to not make my partner upset
- Avoid talking about some of my dreams to not upset my partner or family
- Hang out with people that made me feel tired more than uplifted
- Listen to a conversation for a long time even if I'm not interested
And many other examples.
When I open up, I find myself not being able to take care of my needs and boundaries.
I was being very suspicious and diffident when getting close to new person, especially in a new romantic relationship.
And fighting with many fears like:
"What If I will lose again my freedom?"
"What If I will not be able to do all the stuff I want to do?"
"What if I will have to wait again for this person instead of travel?"
In the beginning, I analyzed carefully the person I was meeting, trying to find signs that would tell me I wouldn't end up with less freedom.
Learn to trust myself again
I then realize nobody ever trapped me.
It was always my decision to stay, to try again, to help, to support, to care about my needs less than the other person's needs.
Therefore the problem is not the people I meet, the problem is me.
That is good, is something I can fix!
The main problem now is that I don't trust myself enough.
I don't trust myself to be able to say no when situations are too much for me and instead fall again in the pattern of putting distance or trying to not upset the other person.
I then learn the concept of boundaries and being able to express what is too much for myself without necessarily hurting the other person.
I can be direct but still respectful.
At the same time, I learn to deal with the idea that sometimes my words or expressing my needs can upset and hurt people I love.
Exactly like people I love sometimes hurt me. And that is ok. Nobody is gonna die, nobody will leave me forever.
I can deal with these uncomfortable situations with the other person and together we can find a way that will make both happy.
Those realizations empower me in a completely unexpected way.
I'm learning to trust myself, I'm learning to protect myself.
This is what being strong really means to me.
Is a long path that I'm still learning and, like anything new, it takes time.
I will make lots of mistakes but I'm slowly starting to trust myself again.
I'm learning to say no when anything, even the smallest stuff, is too much for me and to stay there, stay open and connected with the other person to genuinely deal with that situation.
And if I can't resolve the issue, I'm learning is ok to separate.
If I separate from a person after I clearly express my needs and boundaries and those are not accepted by the other person, I never feel I have failed, did a mistake or have regrets because I know I stayed true to myself and what makes me happy.