Recently I have seen "The Tinder Swindler", a documentary about a man who scams people pretending to be wealthy, rich, and powerful, building trust with them and ultimately faking some terrible threaten happening in his life for which he needs their economical support. This man left many people around the globe in great debt and economical struggle.
After watching this documentary I felt very sad. Sad for the human species.
In the documentary, one of the victims said: "How can you be so evil?" This sentence stuck with me. I agree with her.
Still, what mostly made me reflect was the victim's behavior.
Projecting
I kept thinking, why do these people fall for a guy like him?
Was it the money? The power?
Then I recall my personal experience and I got to the conclusion that they felt for him because he was the projection of what they wanted in their life but they THINK they couldn't get it. They think they need someone else to "save" them and give them what they are too afraid of getting by themselves. This is my interpretation.
This kind of "hoping" and "projecting" on others, often lead to co-dependent relationships. Relationships where we give to others the responsibility to make us happy. We outsource our happiness.
Co-dependency
I learned the hard way that we can all end up in a codependency relationship. I consider myself an independent, determined and brave person and most of the people I know would assert with this statement.
When I heard friends being in a codependent relationship I didn't understand how they could stay in such a relationship and I always thought I would never end up in such a situation because I value my freedom too much.
I value enormously the power of deciding on my own and not feeling tight to someone or something.
Also, authorities always have been an issue for me, I have difficulties accepting someone telling me what to do, even if I know is for my best.
Seems I was wrong tho, I did end up in a codependent relationship and now I know that everybody can slip into such a relationship. Easily!
I love traveling. I always did.
I worked hard to get a job that would allow me to have economic stability, that would allow me to work remotely and that I'm passionate about it. Is not easy to get all of those things.
Still, I was finding myself over and over in relationships where I would feel trapped. My problem was often that my partner was not willing to travel with me. Not as much as I want, at least. I'm talking about traveling as a lifestyle.
I then realize that I was indeed very afraid of traveling by myself. I was afraid of taking the radical decision of letting everything go, changing the way of living that I was thought since I was little, letting go of certainties in my life. I was afraid of doing this step.
Therefore I was waiting for my partner to take this decision for me. I was keeping giving hints about it but don't fully push for it.
For example
me: "Let's go to xxx to live for a bit"
partner: "yeah but I have to work/reconstruct house/deal with my mum/... . Let's wait a bit more, ok?"
me: "oh ok, I see. Make sense" -> me not pushing.
I was not doing everything I could to get what I want and then I was blaming the other person for being what it stands between me and what I want. "He is the reason why I don't travel. If wasn't for him, I could have that life!"
Outsourcing our happiness
How this is connected to the documentary?
When we really want something in life which we are afraid of getting it and we wait for an external source to give it to us, is the moment when we fall for whatever gives us the impression we can have it.
Following my previous example of wanting to travel but being too afraid to do it by myself:
When I was getting to know a new guy, we would talk about traveling and the guy would say something like: "I really love traveling, I love camping, so cool you have a van. I would love to travel and explore the world together."
I was hanging on to that sentence, ignoring any other signals that would tell me that that person is not someone who would pick travel as a lifestyle because I desperately want to find someone that would finally make my dream come true.
And here it is how easy it is to go for the "wrong person".
Whenever we have these feelings of "getting saved" or someone finally giving to us what we couldn't have so far, is time to stop and ask ourselves:
- Why cannot I get that myself?
- What holds me back in getting this?
Until we are not honest with ourselves about what we really want in life and what stops us to get that, we will hardly find the right people to have around us.
Self-honesty: the solution
Once during a speed dating, I heard a woman saying: "I'm looking for a rich and handsome man."
I respect that woman a lot. She is very clear with herself and therefore with others too.
She likes to be economically safe and she wants someone she finds attractive next to her. And is has no shame or sense of guilt in saying that.
We often pretend we don't want someone rich, handsome or powerful because of society, history or family pressure.
We grow up with the teaching that we need to focus on souls rather than external aspects otherwise we are labeled as superficial.
This is true to a certain extent and there is no shame in saying we are attracted by a person for how it is inside and outside.
There is no shame in looking for someone that gives us economical security, neither is shameful to say we enjoy an expensive lifestyle.
Everybody is different and enjoy different stuff, is much more important to be clear with ourselves about what we really like and want.
This woman will not fall for a guy that pretends to be rich but is not.
As soon as the guy will show that he is not what she wants, she will clearly communicate it: "Sorry, but this is not what I'm looking for."
Which is what I should have done too. "Sorry, I want someone that travels. If you don't come with me, I cannot stay here with you."
Of course, this is an oversimplification. Real-life is a bit more complicated, in particular when we love someone.
Is ok to try out a bit and see if the other person really cannot give us what we want or just need a bit of time or a little push but at one point we need to be clear to ourselves and to the other person and say: "I want XXX and I want it in this modality, in this range of time. Can you give me that?"
If the answer is no (and the answer can be also non-verbal), is time to be strong, go through some pain now then lots of confusion and pain later.
If you really love that person and cannot move away, is time to go back to yourself and understand if you can drop your dream and wants for a life with this person, without future regrets or blaming.
Conclusion
When I am projecting my wants and dream on others, is not so easy to realize it but now I know I can always ask myself these questions:
- What I cannot compromise with a partner or friend?
- Am I honest with myself or am I pretending to be "a good girl/good daughter/independent woman/strong woman/..."? And remind me this answer is for my own good, not to show others I can be/do "XYZ".
- Could I achieve the same (lifestyle or goal) without this person?
If the answer to this question is no, I would take a good look at why I not. If I don't, I would probably end up in a codependent relationship where I put all the pressure and responsibility of my dreams on someone else.